WHEN WE SAY GOOD BYE

      I never realized how hard it is to say good bye to somebody you love. If you have kept somebody in your heart, your mind and in your imagination, may be this word hurts you more than any. Hours pass like a split of the second when we are with somebody we care and love. But every second tortures us if we are away from our beloved.

I can’t define love here. May be this love doesn’t exist or may be it does. I think the love is what when we miss somebody so badly all the time. We meet them in every imagination and in every dream. Every hour passes in a hope that we will meet, we will talk and we will be together some day. We don’t get sleep. I don’t know why we can’t sleep. We wait and wait till we die. 

A line message is enough to pass day and night reading it. A picture is enough to look at and talk to kill emptiness, the distance and loneliness. Memories are full with all the beautiful days we spent together and all those nonsense gossips and laughter we had. Every time when we pass by the place where we sat, where we laughed, where we walked, it feels that the souls are still stuck there in the same place, wandering in the same lane but invisible like the beautiful angels together. 

Every time he decides to forget her. He repeats the same words forget her, forget her and forget her. More he says forget her more she comes in his mind. Now it seems like it is impossible to understand the meaning of GOOD BYE to him. He is ignorant and doesn’t try to get the meaning of GOOD BYE. They said good bye to each other but why he feels like it is just a bad dream. He will wake up in the morning and everything will fall in the same place again. He wishes it were a bad dream and  he can wake up, find himself in a different state and say thank god it’s just a dream. JUST A PATHETIC DREAM.

He and she have made a house somewhere in a dream land. They have children as he always desires a daughter with a pretty face like her and she desperately wants a small skirt to her daughter. Now it seems the dream is fading away. Every hope of them is shattered. He wanders around like a hopeless and homeless squatter. Tears of pain have washed away his beautiful colors of his life but couldn’t wash away the pain in his heart.

He didn’t believe in heart. He used to say heart is a part of our body. It just pumps the blood, purifies blood and keeps us alive. There is no such thing like love which is related to heart. But now every time when he remembers her, this heart gets constant and strong pain. He can’t control its palpitation and he can’t get relief from these ultimate sufferings of his life. One day this heart will stop and he will definitely get relieved from this pain and agony he has due to this little, crazy, insane, wild and lonely heart that learned to love, that learned to make him cry, that learned to make him suffer and he still doesn’t have any grievances, any complain about this little heart that has love in it.

And they said good bye to each other. He couldn’t control his tears and so did she. His throat sored and it couldn’t produce meaningful words further. It produced the sound of sobbing. Both eyes were not in favor of his control and constantly using its tear gland to drain out pain. I don’t blame to love for all these. It is that merciless circumstances which don’t understand the love and don’t spare lovers the life they wanted. I think love is not stronger than the circumstances.

He doesn’t know how he is sustaining his life pretending that he is happy and he has already forgotten her but her face is stuck in his mind, her laughter he hears all the time everywhere, her smile is his motivation to live and the promises are his commands to the heart not to fall weak. How can he hide this pain to live away from her? How can he hide this loneliness and pretend that he is the happiest person somewhere he doesn’t belong to.

 But now he has to. He has to make her feel that he has forgotten her. He has moved on and is a changed man. He is the one who betrayed and the one who doesn’t care. He does every possible trick to make her forget him. Otherwise she will take all responsibilities for what happened which actually was not her fault. He wants to bear all the responsibilities for what happened between them and what they have become due to this merciless circumstance. So, he lies, he pretends, he makes excuses so he and she have said GOOD BYE to each other.

He still dreams the life together with her. May not be possible but his hope and anticipation is not dead yet because his little heart is still beating with the strength and power of so called LOVE…. LOVE… LOVE……

subhash thapa magar